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bounce
[n00b] Member
Joined: Fri Jun 16, 2006 11:00 pm Posts: 627 Location: middle of hell
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 tell me what u think
its been a long time since i have written anything and i used to write stories/poems all the time. so i decided to try again. tell me what you think if you decide its worth reading.
It's that quintessential moment
At the crowning of the night,
As my eager coachmen lingers
'Neath the foggy streetlamp's light.
There you step out from the darkness
With your pompadour flipped high
And those striking stick pin diamonds
To match the glittering in the sky.
There's that naughty done-wrong feeling - there,
From which none can refrain.
Ay, it creeps up on our faces
And our smirk is just the same.
And arm and arm, and lip to lip
We steal down English streets,
Our tawdry minds both filled with sins
Confinéd to the sheets
Our names and lands are on the line.
If these devilish acts were known.
But it makes it all the sweeter
Knowing you're a man - and my own.
And those champagne nights and cheap delights
Of which we both abhor
Are swept away in single kiss
And the slam of a bedroom door.
Well. I might be a common woman
And you, not a duke in gems.
And this is all a fantasy.
No champagne and no Thames.
This may just be my fantasy
But this, my dear, is true.
I want to be Victorian
And love for evermore
and yeah i know its cheesey
_________________  you wouldn\'t shot a girl would you? [img]
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:08 pm |
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ApoKolypse
[n00b] Member
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2006 12:00 am Posts: 8388 Location: London
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Awesome, I really like it.
In some parts you have too many syllables in one line and not enough on the next.
It would be hard to re-write that part though, it flows smoothly.
Good work.
_________________Jonn "ApoKolypse" Leonard www.twitch.tv/45Bananas
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:24 pm |
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Wiggles
[n00b] Member
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 12:00 am Posts: 826
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lost me on the third word :?
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:24 pm |
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ApoKolypse
[n00b] Member
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2006 12:00 am Posts: 8388 Location: London
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Quintessence or, quintessential is the ultimate, purest form.
_________________Jonn "ApoKolypse" Leonard www.twitch.tv/45Bananas
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:25 pm |
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Wiggles
[n00b] Member
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 12:00 am Posts: 826
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ok i read the thing over seems cool, nothing i could do so props, btw y does confined have an accent mark over it?
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:28 pm |
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das
[n00b] Member
Joined: Thu Sep 30, 2004 11:00 pm Posts: 278
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I like reading your gals poems. Need to write more. I have a low reading comprehesion (spelling??? just proves my point) but after I read it a couple times i get them. Good job
_________________ Hate you all
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:39 pm |
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bounce
[n00b] Member
Joined: Fri Jun 16, 2006 11:00 pm Posts: 627 Location: middle of hell
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Wiggles wrote: ok i read the thing over seems cool, nothing i could do so props, btw y does confined have an accent mark over it?
my friend typed it up for me cause she spell checks it ...i guess in my handwriting it looked like it had it on it.(my handwriting is horrible she had to call me to know what i was spell)
THANK YOU FOR INPUT!
_________________  you wouldn\'t shot a girl would you? [img]
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:47 pm |
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ApoKolypse
[n00b] Member
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2006 12:00 am Posts: 8388 Location: London
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So, you thesaurus'd it up? :P
_________________Jonn "ApoKolypse" Leonard www.twitch.tv/45Bananas
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:48 pm |
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bounce
[n00b] Member
Joined: Fri Jun 16, 2006 11:00 pm Posts: 627 Location: middle of hell
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huh what do u mean by that??
_________________  you wouldn\'t shot a girl would you? [img]
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:49 pm |
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ApoKolypse
[n00b] Member
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2006 12:00 am Posts: 8388 Location: London
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I was just joking.
Just you used a lot of complex words in that, ones that I've personally never heard you use.
So, it seemed like you used a thesaurus for a lot of it. Just kidding though, it's good.
_________________Jonn "ApoKolypse" Leonard www.twitch.tv/45Bananas
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:52 pm |
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bounce
[n00b] Member
Joined: Fri Jun 16, 2006 11:00 pm Posts: 627 Location: middle of hell
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accually i didnt at all i just dont like to type them cause i spell them wrong if u heard me speak normally. thats the vocabulary i use. there is a reason i am in the running for higher honors in NHS(in school) and a reason i am in the top 50 students of my grade....aka *points at self* NERD
_________________  you wouldn\'t shot a girl would you? [img]
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:54 pm |
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LV-Gamer
[n00b] Member
Joined: Fri May 07, 2004 11:00 pm Posts: 887 Location: cal cs match server
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may i ask you when you wrote this?
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 3:11 pm |
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ApoKolypse
[n00b] Member
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2006 12:00 am Posts: 8388 Location: London
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Well then, good on you.
I like the writing, congrats on all your success, you smell terrific.
_________________Jonn "ApoKolypse" Leonard www.twitch.tv/45Bananas
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 3:12 pm |
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MyNameIsKaren (Snoopy)
Supreme Spammer
Joined: Thu May 11, 2006 11:00 pm Posts: 1524 Location: Dog House
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nice gj. writing pwns ♥
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 3:34 pm |
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virus
[n00b] Member
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2006 12:00 am Posts: 1918 Location: Miami, FL
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i didnt read it casue ive read all of bounces post and they all are really, REALLY retarded, so I didnt feel like losing anymore IQ points. =/
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 8:44 pm |
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JoeMamma
n00bfest Asshole
Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2004 12:00 am Posts: 11345 Location: Frisco/McKinney, TX
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I think its good...now can i see boobies?
_________________When I fart, it smells like a BBP.  I hope Tom Brady gets anally raped in Hell.
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 8:48 pm |
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Brand0137
[n00b] Member
Joined: Fri Apr 30, 2004 11:00 pm Posts: 1306 Location: Athens, AL
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http://tangsty.blogspot.com/2006_02_01_ ... chive.html
Scroll down to Victorian....written 6 months ago eh? and you just recently wrote it?
_________________ <font size="0">Bald braided my nut hair</font>
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 8:49 pm |
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virus
[n00b] Member
Joined: Thu Feb 23, 2006 12:00 am Posts: 1918 Location: Miami, FL
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Brand0137 wrote: http://tangsty.blogspot.com/2006_02_01_tangsty_archive.html
Scroll down to Victorian....written 6 months ago eh? and you just recently wrote it?
lol omfg PWND!!111one111!
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 8:50 pm |
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supafly
[n00b] Member
Joined: Tue Jun 27, 2006 11:00 pm Posts: 306 Location: Frederick MD
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joe i just e-mailed ur wife ur last post muhahahaha
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 10:40 pm |
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CzechRebel
[n00b] Member
Joined: Sun Apr 30, 2006 11:00 pm Posts: 1129 Location: Dust 2 In B Tunnels
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Brand0137 wrote: http://tangsty.blogspot.com/2006_02_01_tangsty_archive.html
Scroll down to Victorian....written 6 months ago eh? and you just recently wrote it?
LMFAO!!!!!!!one!111 BOUNCE YOU DUMBASS!!!! LMFAO!!!! OMG LOLOLOL!!! Brand FTFW!!!!! AND BOUNCE FTFL!!
_________________<u>  </u>
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| Fri Jul 14, 2006 10:43 pm |
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